This I Believe….
I believe that I cannot look behind me because I cannot change the past. I have not always felt this way about the past. I used to be one of those “remember when” people, reminiscing about happy moments with family and friends. The exact day that this changed was May 13th, 2006, with the deafening sound of my father falling to the pavement, his glasses breaking, and blood seeping out of the gashes on his face. In one moment my life was changed and the past became heart wrenching.
My past now consists of moments that I would do anything to get back. My father was my best friend and super fan, actually he was my world. I did not even get to say goodbye, the massive heart attack took care of that. At the tender age of 21, the person I loved the most was gone. So now, the past takes my insides and stomps on them until they ache. It reminds me that life has changed forever and no matter what I do here on this earth my father is not coming back.
Looking back and opening closed doors often leads directly to questions, regrets, and guilt. Why didn’t I come home on his last night, or why didn’t I stay in his office longer the day before. Why was I in a rush to get off the phone in the last hour of his life? Was I a good daughter? Did I appreciate him enough? Did he know how much he meant to me? These haunting questions and feelings will be there no matter how hard I try to push them away. I must not dwell on these because they cannot be answered. They are in the past.
I believe that by not looking behind, one is forced to look ahead. As far as I know there is no working time machine available for public transportation, and there is nothing we can do to change or have yesterday back. If I focus on what was, instead of what could be than I will be wasting what is. I thought that life would not go on without my father, but as hard as it is to admit, life does go on without the ones we love. Yes, life is altered and it hurts, but it continues.
I believe that the pain of the past and the hope of the future is what convinces me that my only feasible option is to look ahead. I know that there is something much bigger than what is happening here on earth, and someday I will join my father in that something. My reason to look ahead is for the day when God calls me home and the first person I greet at the gleaming gates will not be Peter, but my father. This is why the past is behind me, and the future appears to be brighter.
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