This I Believe

James - Norman, Oklahoma
Entered on January 30, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: hope

This I believe:

I serve no purpose. There is no reason for me to be here. Humanity itself may have some purpose, but I personally have no purpose at all. I was known as Christian for some time, and my denomination was especially adamant about every person have a unique reason for being here. I bought into that story for many, many years.

To be truthful, this belief is what brought me to a university. I thought that if I were to learn more about the world, I would find some calling in the world. Now however, less than six months after I came here, that belief was destroyed. Now I find that the more I search, the less I seem to find. In all actuality, the more I search, the less I seem to know about myself and the world in general.

How did I come to find this belief? Soon after I got to the dormitory, I met a friend whom I can tell anything. We didn’t start out that way of course, but as the semester went on, I found that she was very caring about all of the problems in my life, a care never expressed before. However, after talking to her for some time, I had an epiphany, supported by all the stories that she told me about her life, that people were supposed to be here to help each other be happy. Sadly however, I found that I was unable to help anyone. In fact, I found that I was more of an emotional burden on those around me.

While she mentioned all those that had helped her in her life previously, I thought of all of the people whom I have impacted. I thought about the impression I left with them. I had a negative impact on all of them, if any impact at all. All of these thoughts I have found to be very true. One may see them as overly pessimistic, but I don’t believe it is pessimism if it is truthful.

Now that I have discussed why I have come to this belief, I must now explain what I now think of myself and the world. I find that I view others as more important than myself. Not necessarily better than I am, but I think that I should stay out of their way so I don’t hinder them. The world itself is fairly lively. That may sound contradictory to my belief of not mattering, but I really do think that the world is a fine place to be.

Believing that the world is a good place to be gives me hope that one day I can find some purpose. For now, however, my final thought before going to bed at night and my first waking thought in the morning is that my core belief can be disproved. This, though, I do not believe. Hope is all I can do.