This I Believe

Mark - Austin, Texas
Entered on January 26, 2007
Age Group: 50 - 65
Themes: equality

I BELIEVE IN EQUALITY FOR MEN

Females have complained about male attitude and behavior since the Neanderthals last mated with humans thirty-five thousand years ago. It has only been since the first supposed bra burning in 1968, however, that men have been shamed into apologizing for brutish demeanor, sexism, inequality, and the unkindest cut of all, manly behavior. I believe I have discovered the basis for a counter movement, the stirring of a revolution that will reverse two generations of male back peddling angst and imposed guilt.

Recently, I had a little surgery to excise epididymal cysts growing on my testicles. The

mere description of the cure for this malady will induce any man to hold his crotch with

one hand while waving the other defensively as if to say, “Please, don’t hit me again.”

Not so the female. A woman offers no sympathy, no caring nor concern; only a snide snicker if she is in polite company, sliding into a great guffaw at her first opportunity. A woman will roll with hilarious mirth witnessing any movie scene where the man or heartlessly, even a young boy, is left thrashing about on the floor from a well placed but embarrassing blow. Intentional or otherwise.

What father has not traversed the critical age in his own children’s lives when they are just learning to walk. As the child waddles across the living room in delight at seeing daddy, they reach up with just enough height to render a near mortal blow. Initially, the wife rolls off the couch in fits of laughter. When daddy jackknifes into a fetal position on top of his precious child, the wife’s demeanor quickly changes to protective rage at her husband for trying to smother the wee munchkin.

A woman’s merriment over testicular mayhem is the polar opposite of brothers passing gas at a Thanksgiving dinner and high fiving each other as women roll their eyes in scornful disgust. The critical difference? There is no pain involved in the men’s levity. Surely the reason for that difference is because every woman wants to see the man emasculated – rendered worse off than the male lead in an Edward Albee play. When pressed on the point of being insensitive (an unusual position for a female to defend) the woman is unwilling to even discuss, much less debate her unreasonable attitude.

Just as the image of bra burning set off the women’s movement, I believe free and open discussion of testicular suffering will enable man to rescue his floundering ego and begin to restore, dare I say, man’s equality?