“Life is never fair.” I can hear my grandfather telling me this. And, after all he knew first hand that this was true. Having had the experience of being forced out of his country with (3) small children; enduring the crossing of an ocean with only the salt water to rinse out diapers; and settling in a land where only he could speak the language – he and his family knew this to be true.
At the age of 36 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This diagnosis came on the heels of my grandfather’s passing, my father’s passing, my aunt suffering a debilitating stroke and the progression of my 27 year old cousin’s cancer. What happened in some families over a lifetime had happened to mine in the course of one year. It felt as though everything was falling apart and my world crashing, taking me with it.
A planner all of my life, I had planned to get pregnant that same year. I had planned to start a family. I had planned to breathe some life into our lives so coldly touched by sickness and death. But, now I was part of this complex web; ebbing on sickness and clinging to find health. I could hear not only my grandfather’s words, but also one of my father’s favorite phrase – “who promised you fair?”
Five years later, I find myself lying on my bed, holding my daughter as I settle her into that peaceful place – somewhere between awake and sleep. After enduring surgery, more surgery, chemotherapy, toxic medications, and surgery again I find myself the mother of a beautiful and healthy little girl. She has 10 fingers, and 10 toes. She is my cousin’s namesake. On the eve of her first birthday, she is happy, loved, and making great attempts to kiss me; though her kisses are more like a puppies licks. Who ever thought that after my history I would have a baby? No hormone injections, no invitro-fertilization, no acrobatic positions… just luck resulting in a healthy, happy baby…
Like my father said… “who promised you fair?” Well… today I feel that justice was done. The scales were (finally) tipped in my favor. I got my piece of the pie. I got what was coming to me. Analeigh – a beautiful and perfect little girl.
This, I believe.
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