I believe in marching to the beat of my own drummer.
Feelings of emptiness once overwhelmed me. Living by the expectations of others had left me exhausted, unmotivated, resentful and disconnected from my own desires. For quite some time my every days were spent in doing more in the effort to gain approval from my teachers, parents, and friends. I was expected to make the right decisions and “right” meant making the same decisions they would have made. Instead of having my own judgement and deciding what I wanted and what was best for me I chose to satisfy. My gratification came from fulfilling their expectations, but it was always little and short-lived because when I would lay my head down on the pillow at night to rest was when a little voice inside me would speak the loudest. It would demand that I wake back up because there was a discussion to be had. I was to explain myself, justify my actions and answer the familiar question of why I chose to ignore him the days long. I was always unable to provide a sensible answer. In those moments I was always prepared to give up.
But one day while drenching wet in the shower I fell to my knees and began to cry from disgust. I cried until my stomach began to cramp, until the hot water of the shower turned icy cold and until my eyes became so swollen that my tear ducts were no longer able to produce a trace of liquid. There, hunched over naked in my bathtub with tears streaming from my eyes was where I became ready to reclaim my own potential. I was ready to retake the responsibility of my sadness, my happiness, and my success. I was finally ready to listen to the voice that lies within me whom always reminded me to accomplish things that are only important to me.
That voice that I had silenced for so long is now speaking without interruption. It has provided me now with big dreams, imagination, good habits and strong positive beliefs.
I realize that I will never be immune to the negative thoughts of backsliding into my old habit of striving to meet people’s expectations, but I believe my voice, as known as my drummer boy will always stand ready to talk me through things if I’m willing to let his voice be heard.
Some may call it intuition but I call him God, the omnipotent who dwells in me. I believe that because of him solely am I capable now of making my own decisions. He has always been there, in me, but I’m just recently learning to listen.
He is the drummer of my life that provides the beat in which I’ll always march to.
This I believe.
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