I believe in shedding tears often for the little things.
When an ambulance or fire truck passes by and I see everyone pull over, I think, “Now this is the real percentage of good people in this world.” There’s often the person who is hard of hearing, who doesn’t hear the siren until the last minute and then frantically gets out of the way as fast as possible. There’s the observant one who leads the charge while everyone else thinks for a minute, “Hey, why are they pulling over?” and then follows. And there’s the guy who had to ride in an ambulance once in terrible pain and feels fantastic empathy for the passenger. All this goodness makes me swell inside.
I’m told that when I was little I cried all the time. I’ve often been told that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Both are true. I remember. It used to bother me and be something I “worked on”.
I was with a man for nine years who I loved dearly and who loved me dearly but who challenged me, infuriated me, betrayed me, and even rebelled against me in ways I could never have imagined were possible. Being with him was difficult beyond words.
Over the years I found myself being much less emotional, which was kind of nice at first, but then it started feeling unhealthy and I got concerned. Toward the end of the relationship I told my Mom that I didn’t cry anymore, hadn’t in years. She had heard too many of my stories about him and could no longer accept him, although she said as little as she felt she possibly could. She simply widened her eyes a hint and raised her eyebrows a fraction. I read her loud and clear, she was saying, “Then I think you know you have to leave him.”
Now that I’ve had a few years apart from him, I’ve discovered a couple of things. I think it was even harder than it seemed at the time. So hard in fact that I’m beginning to think it was my major challenge for this lifetime. You know, it’s freeing to think that the hardest part might just be behind me.
Also, I learned and grew tremendously during that relationship. We did couples therapy, single therapy and group therapy. I have become much more flexible and accepting. I was introduced to my Higher Power and today know exactly what the phrase “still small voice” means. And I have experienced being truly loved by another human being and will never again see myself as unlovable.
I passed a school bus on the way to work this morning and something on the driver’s head caught my eye. I glanced over as I passed expecting to see some kind of headband. It was a Santa hat.
It’s so nice to have my tears back. I didn’t know I’d miss them.
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