This I Believe

shalanda - chicago, Illinois
Entered on December 17, 2006
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: fear

The little girl that grew fear

The first women in my life was my mother Lynette.

she was abused as a child by her father.she became a drug user and a teen mom

Law of attraction allowed her to attract more abusers and she pass her abusive men down to me, her daughter Shalanda.

The first five men in my life

1. my father whom i never met

2. my step father who beat me so bad from the ages 5-9 i went to foster care return to mom by a lie she made me tell when i was 8.

so my step grand parents wouldnt get custody of me .

3. my second step dad broke my finger black my eye. beat me like a man i was 13 and 14. The reason, my mom told him to because it was done to her for no reason and she hated me.

the last time he hit me. i ran away and i have been running since.

i dont want to run any more

I am 32 with two children

i want my fear to go away

my fear is fear

my mom offered me drugs i refused

she wanted me to sell my body for her some drugs but instead i was a virgin and i was very pretty

i look like a model everyone would say

4.the fourth man was my frist daughter father a drug dealer, he rape me and druged me to pay for my mothers drug debt.

i woke up three days later naked on the floor in a strange house.

i had a baby who i did not touch or hold for one whole year i never had sex before i was like a virgin having a baby

when i told my mother i was rape.

she told the drug dealer, he kidnap me from school for a whole week and beat me until my face was disfunctional and said he will kill me if i told any one else that he rape me.

so i didnt tell

5.the fifth man was my second daughter father i was 17 with a baby that i did not want so i thought if i have a baby by him it would help me have a family and help me be a better mother to the 1st child.

no one was their to tell me the truth

my whole point of this story is since i was 17

i moved to ten different states and 15 different cities

anytime i am faced with fear i run and leave everything i build behind and i have builded and created things that i should be famous for now.

my daughters never stayed in one school for a whole year and they are now 14 and 15

i never ever had a boyfriend or a man since then. I never lived with a man and all of my female friends are 15 to 20 yaers older then me

i now live downtown chicago

i am the owner of a maid service business and a property manamagment company

i came into some small promblems with my clients and i am ready to drop everything and move again.

i am known to leave in a hurry without notice or plans i can say i have been very lucky to keep succeeding wherever i go

please dont wait to long to respond

i want to stop running i believe when i was a child whenever the abuse will start i will run and hide until it was over

but then i learned that running and starting over freed me but now i think its hurting me.

and i just got over really bad shyness people would lie on me and do all kinds of things and i wouldn’t say or do anything about it

i am hiding from myself now

can someone help me get over my fear of fear.