I grew up in a constantly changing environment, every thing seems to have moved unbelievably fast, and my beliefs are wide and varied because of it. I believe that nature is supreme and every thing has a spirit and I believe that humanity and its technology is an omniscient, powerful force yet is frail and insignificant. In the grand scheme of things, the progression of the human race and the universe, every thing I do or think or believe is pointless and yet I still persist to believe even though I’m not sure what I believe. Even harder than trying to sort out and comprehend every thing I believe is trying to convey and express my beliefs to others but by writing it down it gives me a chance to think and sort it out, maybe even make it lucid and comprehensible or maybe not. My general consensus is that there is no intelligibility just ambiguity and I think that the deepest, strongest and the most powerfully unfeigned beliefs can not be brought out into the light to be examined and explained but are felt in the purest part of our being. This is what holds my beliefs together, it is my only citadel in this futile institution were any one can fade away into the abyss unnoticed.
When I was younger I was with my neighbor, who is a close yet distant friend, when she had her cat out down in the veterinary clinic, I loved that cat more than anything else at that time, even more now, and to see it slip in to death was devastating to me, I cried yet I felt little if any empathy for the creature that I loved. I never understood what had happened, I understood that the cat was old and in pain that the only humane thing to do was put her down, end the anguish, but I didn’t care whether she lived or died, I don’t think I will ever understand why I felt this way towards the most important thing in my life. I haven’t given any thing in my life as much thought as I have for that single instance, the reflections will forever reverberate in my mind, it will always be a reminder of what I believe, of what led me to were I am, of what I am and what I am and who I will always be.
Since that moment nothing in my life has made much sense, every thing I do and don’t do, every one I care about and don’t care about, every thought that runs through my mind, none of it makes sense, none of it seems to matter, its all a nauseous blur that replays in my mind over and over again without my consent and I cant hinder it in any way, it is unrelenting in mercilessly reminding me of nothing important, prompting absolutely no result in my life. That’s the way it is, that’s the preponderance of my beliefs, I doubt that anyone will ever understand this but it has formed who I am, it is not a torment, in truth I don’t know what it is but it is the essence of my beliefs and I am glad that even though I cant comprehend them I still have them and they have made me who I am, I still don’t know who that is but it makes me and everyone else who they are, it may not seem like a belief but it is and its mine.
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