I believe in the power of fear. I believe in fears power that makes it hard to forgive, forget, and love.
The most from my child hood that I remember are the people. I remember my grandmother, grandpa, little sister, and most of all, my pet cat. The one person though that I seem to remember nothing of is that of my father. I never understood why that was when I was little till I hit the age of sixteen. My grandmother had told me the reason was he went to college far away for four years. I do remember how ever my sister being born when I was four and a half, and then seeing him. But that was the problem, I always saw him after that but he never saw me. I guess we never made a connection when I was a child because till this day we have nothing to share or talk about.
The first time I ever tried making connection with him was in his car on the way to the library. I started talking, about something simple like my day, and then I notice my self projecting my voice more. Turns out from the corner of my eye he was turning the volume up louder on the radio. So I just sat back and became silent.
It only got worse from there. It seems the more I tried to bound with him the farther I was being pushed away. One time I was having an argument with my mother. An argument that soon would by forgotten, and then my father comes home. He decided that he would like to join the stupid argument and make it worse. All you could hear from my hose was yelling and screaming and the noise of things being thrown. In the middle of him yelling at me I just left and went upstairs. I though that was a smart thing to do before I said something that would get me in serious trouble. Turns out that only made things worse. He ran up the stairs slammed open my door yelled at me for leaving grabbed me by the hair and dragged me through the hallway to get me back down stairs. I was refusing by kicking and screaming hoping that soon he would let go and let my walk on my own. But then I felt a sharp pain to my back and found my self rolling half way down the stairs. I got up very quickly which I guess mad him even angrier because he grabbed me up by my arm while stumbling through the last flight of stairs. Then he grabbed my hair again and threw me out the front door he told me not to come back.
The rest of that night all I remember is running and never stopping. Since that night my father and I don’t speak at all unless there’s some chore in the house that needs to be done or when I do something he doesn’t agree with. I saw a councilor for a while but soon learned that it wasn’t helping. I so exhausted form trying to make a connection that I have given up.
Through him I learned fear, felt fear, and experienced fear mentally and physically. For that, I believe in fears true existence.
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