When will the day come when my beliefs actually matter? And the world sees me as a value? When will my beliefs, thoughts and actions become linked as one? That day is today. Today I shout from a mountaintop and tell the voices to be still and the world’s motion to be quiet. As I grip the edge of my seat, and wait for the waves of life to wash over me, I feel a peace that man’s eyes could never imagine.
There hands are raised high. Their spirits lifted with praise and love to an unknown spirit who saved their souls. Praying that he accepts their worship they give to him. I am standing with them, and for a remote second I question it all. I wonder why I am here. How did I get here? When did I get to this place in my life where I depend on someone else, and am I truly free?
I have always depended on me to keep my self together. My father is in jail for molesting a little girl very close to me. One of my four brothers is constantly in and out of jail. My uncle is on death row. It seems my family is destined for failure. It is not as bad as it sounds, but we aren’t perfect. I have to live with that. I‘ve had a pretty rough childhood, and life in general, but somehow I am at this place where all that doesn’t really matter anymore. There was one point in my life I was at my lowest, even wanting to take my life. I had experienced some unspeakable things that began to control my mind, and I only wanted to get rid of them. I am an introverted person, I keep my emotions in and they build up. They got to the point where I cried every night and dreamed of a better life, a future not of this place. And I feel as though I have reached it. My belief is hardly tangible with words. I believe in a higher power, one that has lifted my soul up from a broken place. I was damaged, and I am now whole. With the belief of this higher power I know that it was nothing but this belief that helped me through those hard times. I believe that God is, was, and will always be the miracle that keeps me from taking my own life.
One day I surrendered my all to Him who loves me more than I will ever know, and that has made all the difference in my world. He renews my strength daily. Whenever I get weak there is a God who comforts me, always. That is all the belief I need, ignoring the hurt and mistakes of my past, and believing in one, Jesus.
There once was a girl, who was different. Some may even have called her shy. She often wondered why. She wanted to understand herself, upon doing so she found someone else, God.
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