Just Another Nobody
Wishing They Were a Somebody
“Nobodies cannot become Somebodies.”
~Kingdom Hearts II
“An empty vessel whose heart has been stolen away… A spirit that goes
on even as its body fades from existence—for you see, Nobodies do not truly
exist at all. Nobodies may seem to have feelings, but this is a ruse—they
only pretend to have hearts. You must not be deceived!”
~Yen Sid (Kingdom Hearts II)
“….loving someone always requires you to not love others.”
~Koushun Takami (Battle Royale)
“So in every respect Kazuo Kiriyama [seemed as if he] was perfect… Kazuo was different… Kazuo Kiriyama, felt no emotion, no guilt, no pity, towards the four corpses, including Mitsuru’s[, his best friend].”
~Koushun Takami (Battle Royale)
I’ve never known what it was like to truly feel. I could when I was little, but that was a decade ago, and memories fade. Pain has since grown to be the friend who fills in the gaps between what I can feel: guilt, anger, and affection. Of course, anger isn’t technically an emotion, is it? All it is, really, is the instinctual reaction to something that is displeasurable.
I’ve spent my life pretending to be what I’m not: “human”. Sure, I am genetically, but I want to feel the human emotions. It was this way that I learned of how powerful what I could feel was. After all, sadness is a variation of guilt and happiness of affection. Loyalty was my bond to the one who also shared in my “Traumatic Event”. It was then that I had become a Nobody, just like Kazuo Kiriyama. Now, however, I love her dearly, forgiving her of what she never knew she’d brought me.
It’s been so long that I’m shocked I can remember the pain at all. That’s all I can remember, not even the man’s name, but I know I still feel guilty for not telling. Oh! How it would’ve saved my sister! It drove me mad until I realized that she felt guilty for being “weak”, just like me. In that I found someone kind to me: the closest thing to another me. The first shard of affection I ever felt was towards her, my darling sister. I would do anything for her and more.
After the short time when I was felt alone, scared in a world where I was just a rag doll, I stopped caring. I became withdrawn, reversed my memory, and found solace only in the company of our dogs: the only ones who really knew what I’d gone through. Becoming as withdrawn as I did, I struck back, biting as if I were a feral animal. Apparently it was enough. The pain stopped, and I had a time of bliss. Soon, I felt the effects of what had happened. I didn’t care about anything except for spending time with the dogs, safe and warm; I began to forget things, no matter how tremendous or minute their importance; and I didn’t get along with anyone. My memory became “flashbulb”, and even the smallest of reminders of my pain and I would become angry, willing to strike at the slightest provocation. My excuse for things I did was “‘I felt like it.’” (Battle Royale), just like Kazuo.
Eventually, I began to realize how important it was that I pretend nothing had happened. I had never thought anyone would believe me, a whiny little girl. Not like I remembered enough to get any action done against him. I kept it secret, learning all too well how hard it was to resist the impulse to strike back and keep everyone at bay. I learned how to pretend. I’m excellent at pretending to feel. My grades shot up and I became the top of my class. I never really did have any friends: simple beings trying to halt me in my whims. I adopted The Code, my set of morals and teachings I believe to be true: no hypocrisy; repay all debts; honor your word; promises, not threats; don’t retaliate unless left without a choice; don’t trust others unless they trust you first; don’t “backstab”; animals and nature are the purest thing there is; people make mistakes; and so on. Through The Code, I learned that my sister needed my caring more than ever, and her fidelity towards me was received in shock. I didn’t understand how anyone could, nor would, trust me. Of course, in time I accepted this and returned her loyalty and trust sevenfold. “I want to trust people. If I can’t then everything falls apart.” (Battle Royale) Both my father and sister have truly shown me their genuine caring: acting with both their heads and their hearts, making an effort to understand me.
Still, I feel the effects of the pain and probably always will, no matter how hard I block it out. I’ve gotten better about sleeping, though I still have to be able to see everything unless I’m with someone I completely trust. I still can’t eat normally in front of others, and most people can’t understand my strange phobia of crickets, nor how a sudden memory can change my mood and personality for a short while. Yet, I try, and slowly but surely I’m getting better. The Nobody I had become, the Kazuo inside of me, is slowly dying. The small feelings of trust and faith light up the darkness in my heart, making it somewhat human again. I can never become a Somebody, but I can be close.
As time passes, I feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more “human”, but am I falling for my own act? Is The Code slowly healing me; allowing me to slowly trust, then love, and finally feel guilt for my wrongdoings? Doubt, confusion, uncertainty: tiny specks of light in my dark heart, but they’re growing: I can feel it.
Emotion is the raw power I believe in. It’s consuming my life, my goals, aspirations, and desires. Only nature could birth something so gray: good and evil at the same time. My belief is the only one I cherish, is that emotion is raw, undaunted, and powerful beyond all that is alive. The power of emotion is what I hope to find at the end of my journey.
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