This I Believe

murray - sunrise, Florida
Entered on November 25, 2006

this i believe…

i lost my wife earlier this year after a long

illness.i don’t care how tough you think you are,watching a disease steal your wife’s life just rips your heart out.i know of no greater

pain.

after she died,i received some grief counseling.best thing i ever did.the counselor told me she thought that i was angry at god.i told her i was.she said”thats o.k..god loves you even if you are mad at him”.it was strangely comforting.

I’ve only prayed for one thing in my life for myself.that god would fix my wife.i know it was selfish,but i didn’t care.he didn’t do it.it makes me wonder sometimes.

people always ask me how she died.they have a morbid curiosity about it.like the answer is some piece to their own mortality puzzle.my wife was never afraid of death.she knew it was stalking her.she knew her time was limited, but she lived like she had another hundred years in front of her.thats all people need to know about how she died.

my wife died in her sleep right next to me.if i knew she would never wake up,i never would of let her go to sleep.it haunts me.

some of the finest people on this planet are nurses.

its odd.my wife’s daughter wont set foot inside the hospital,yet some days if I’m driving by,i will pull in and just go sit in the lobby for a little while.it gives me peace.go figure.

things just happen sometimes.explanations won’t soothe your grief anyway.

everyone is going to die.do everyone a favor and plan your funeral ahead of time.my wife’s favorite movie was THE WIZARD OF OZ and she wanted SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW played at her funeral.everyone there knew it was her favorite song and even through all the tears everyone smiled when it was played.see what i mean?.

donate blood every chance you get.trust me on this.

i had some friends confide to me,a little sheepishly,that they didn’t think they could do what i did for my wife.i always look them straight in the eye and tell them “yes you could!”and then i pray we never have to find out which one of us is right.

its hard loosing your number one fan.I’m back to work now,but its hard to find the same passion i brought to it before.i hope that will change.

doctors are sometimes wrong,but when they are right you had better strap on your seat belt.its an unholy ride.

all total my wife had fifty two hospital stays.we were both extremely private people.i bet family and friends knew about ten of them at the most.some of them got angry after finding out.i didn’t care.there isn’t a manual on how to do this stuff.

we never had children.sometimes i regret that.

of all the things i miss,the one thing i miss the most is holding hands.we would be walking somewhere and i would drop my hand back and she would take hold of it.there is nothing more reassuring then someone holding your hand…and watching your back.i just miss it.

never ever ever ever give up.i mean it.

most days i walk around like a pinball machine on tilt.trust yourself enough to know that

you’re not up to making any major decisions.just stay put.thats my plan.

I’ve spent Halloween,Thanksgiving,Christmas and New Years in an intensive care unit or hospital room.home for the holidays has a whole new meaning.

i know they are well meaning,but hospitals always give you a survey about your “stay”.its not a week in Vegas.its a brutal,exhausting experience that leaves you numb and longing to return home.stop asking about it.

life really IS short.

i think when i get old and look back over my life,this will have been the best year of my life,as disturbing as that sounds.I’m scared of dying.I’m afraid of death,but having seen my wife’s dignity during her struggle gives me hope that when its my time,I’ll handle it nearly as well.i hope so anyway.

sometimes i still catch myself reaching for the phone to call her.old habits are a bitch.

before my wife died,she made me promise her that i would remarry someday.she said that i was a good man and a good husband and that i deserved to be happy again.there was one qualification however.she said that she couldn’t be more beautiful then her.that was Pam.i guess you had to know her.for those of us who did,we already know there could never be anyone more beautiful then her.i love you baby.

Murray selen,43

goldrushrain@yahoo.com

sunrise,fl