Everything happens for a reason. This I believe. It was a long time before the reason of why I could not die surfaced, but it did, thank goodness, and I am happier now than ever. My childhood was not an esy one, but it was a building block for me in becoming an active participant in life, and a productive member of society. I was simply a survivor of life’s unfairness. Striving to overcome the survivor status, and take the damaged emotions and turn them from self destruction to achievement.
These feelings led me to alcoholism and drug addiction, which lasted for many years. Life took a downward spiral. Family had lost trust in me and I had lost trust in myself.
Anorexia nervosa got me closer to that death that I desired. I had no worthy purpose in life. I had convinced myself that I was not worthy of living, therefore, I actively tried to starve myself to death. This behavior landed me at death’s door in an intensive care unit, and eventually a long term treatment facility. At the facility I began to see a faint light at the end of the tunnel. I was astounded to learn that the problems suffered in childhood were in no way my fault, but the problems involving the chemicals were. The pain that I inflicted on my family also couldn’t be blamed on anyone but me. I had to break the cycle which had lasted for many years in my family. When and if I could do that, my life would gain purpose and direction. I had to virtually recreate myself, but I was not sure I was ready to give up the long standing love affair with self destruction.
Learning to live life on life’s terms and be honest, without being in an altered state was hard to do. I did not know how to live with out the chemical assets of my addictive state. One of the specialists once told me that i could never recover from anorexia if I could not stay chemical free. That was very scary, because anorexia was taking a much greater negative toll on me than the drugs or alcohol ever could have. I was very sick and emaciated.
Once I figured out that the problems were within me and how I dealt with the aspects of my life, I knew I did not want to die. Once things changed, I found that worthy purpose for living.
Although I still struggle with anorexia, I have dedicated my work to teens that experience eating disorders and addictions. I try to help them deal with their feelings instead of masking them in the chemicals, or self destruction.
Most importantly, I am breaking the cycle of unhappiness. Everything in this world happens for a reason.
I can now share my experiences, strength, and hopes with others and lead them to the light at the end of the tunnel, helping them to flourish, instead of just surviving is the greatest worth I have found, and this…I know.
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