This I Believe

Gretta - Tempe, Arizona
Entered on November 12, 2006
Age Group: 30 - 50

THIS I BELIEVE

I believe we have “Nothing But Possibilities” in our lives. There isn’t a tragedy that can’t be overcome, an adversity we can’t conquer, or a dream we cannot reach.

I survived what felt like a fall into a deep, dark well and into the depths of despair, after watching my husband, Michael, commit suicide in front of me. Climbing out of that well left me a much different person than I was before and I think made me a better person than I was before.

The climb out of my well was a process of learning about myself, slowly and over time. I would have liked it to have been faster and in no time, but that is not the way it happens, at least not to me. It’s an odd paradox—but the deeper I went inside of me, the higher I climbed out of the well. And so, my climb up and out was a climb of self-discovery…one that allowed me to uncover my hidden strengths and talents, one that led to an incredible transformation.

I went from being a person who used to unknowingly sabotage herself and her happiness with thoughts that were negative and beliefs that were self-critical, to becoming a person who was able to let go of those destructive thoughts and beliefs and move forward in her life.

Each step leading out of the well brought with it a new level of understanding about myself, and helped me process my husband’s suicide. The cumulative effect of these steps has led me to be at peace with what he did, and ultimately, at peace with myself.

When you survive a devastating event, that experience changes you. For better or worse you are changed forever. When you “survive for the better” you now hold gifts. Hope is one; strength and awareness are two others. All together they bring the power of change into your life.

Now that I’m out of the well and beginning to “live again” I notice the changes in me more clearly. I react to experiences in my life differently than before. I parent differently than before. I create relationships differently than before and am in them differently than before. I’m not the same person I was before Michael’s suicide nor do I want to be.

My new approach to life and myself, finds me doing things now I never dreamed I could do, or would do before Michael’s death. I’m less afraid, less inclined to try to control things and more inclined to try new things without worrying what the result will be. But most of all, I am different in my philosophy about life: whereas once I used to see limitations, now I don’t. Today I see my life as nothing but possibilities. And this capacity to move from hopelessness to hope and ultimately into happiness isn’t something that’s unique to me; it’s something we all have inside of us.

Our lives are filled with choices most of us aren’t even aware we have. We get to choose how we feel, what we believe, and what to create in our lives. It’s all about the creative power that we all hold inside of us… how we find it and how we use it.

I never would have thought that at the top of my well was a gift waiting for me…the gift of being me.