This I Believe

Loreigh - Albuquerque, New Mexico
Entered on November 7, 2006
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: parenthood

I have never had a stable relationship with my father. Two months ago I chose to shut him out of my life. He made me feel like I was always doing things wrong just to make him mad. He would say I’m purposely trying to “push his buttons,” in other words I was looking to find what bugs him.

My dad would also say I was trying to tell him what to do. He would question me on who the adult is and who the child is. He wanted to argue about everything and I never understood why. It seemed he wanted complete control over everything, whatever the situation would be.

So one day I had it, I stopped talking or seeing him as if he was never there. I couldn’t handle it anymore, all the arguing over pointless things. It drove me nuts!

A month had gone by and I stayed busy for the most part so I wouldn’t have a lot of time to think about him or our situation. As time went on I started to wonder what he was doing, if he was doing the same things he did almost every evening and if he ever thought of me.

I knew how I felt, but I wanted to know how he was feeling. If he was sad or was going on with his life like nothing ever happened. If I should call and see how he’s doing, but I was scared he’d be mad at me and want to argue about what I did. I didn’t want to set myself up for that. I didn’t think I could handle going back to our old ways.

I got tired of wondering and finally did something. I wrote him an e-mail seeing how he was doing. Right away he started telling me that I was making him seem like a monster and I was living a life of lies. And if I’m going to keep making him sound like the bad guy all the time, just to leave him alone and never write or talk to him again.

That was my wake up call, now I understand. It’s not about what I do, I don’t do anything wrong. I am the one who is always trying to make things right, but it’s him with the problem. Some guilt he had for something he did and the only thing he could do is blame me because he was not brave enough to take responsibility for his actions. I wasn’t going to continue being his scapegoat.

So what if I feel lonely; it’s better than having him take everything out on me because I’m always the one who’s there sticking around. I then came to the conclusion that I would be much happier without him in my life. I had never felt so good. It felt like I was finally able to let go of everything.

I believe my dad is never going to change and once I realized that, it made it easier to let him go.