I believe there is no order. I don’t think there is any pattern in anything, any means of understanding something based on something else. It doesn’t seem to make sense at first, there has to be a pattern in some things, but in the end, for me, it just makes life easier. It’s hard to explain, and it’s one of those things that really don’t make much sense until you’ve started it, but I just like it this way. I’ve had to really focus on myself to feel this way, examine every bit of my behavior, and just change huge parts of myself. In the end, I know now that it really was worth it.
I used to do things scientifically. If I saw someone, I would jump to conclusions about what kind of person they were and how they would act, with only simple knowledge relating them to other people, like their appearance, voice, even the way they walked. This used to work for me, but I found that there was a problem; eventually, everyone was lumped into one gray mass of people. After all, everyone has a similarity to someone else, and just because there are a few things similar about them, doesn’t mean they aren’t completely different people. Patterns just don’t work with people. I believe that looking for order in humans will never work, and is demeaning to us all. Trying to find similarities to lump people together just made the world boring. There wasn’t any variety in thinking everyone was pretty much the same. There wasn’t any fun, or anything really worth living for. Everything blended into boring black and white, and it was just pointless. Looking for order or patterns in people, in events, in anything, it seems logical, and it seems like it would work, but for me, it just really didn’t. I’d always try to find little things to piece people together, just to keep myself calm and focused, but I eventually figured out how ridiculous it was for me to think this way. There wasn’t any point in trying to toss things together anymore, it’s life and we’re supposed to just go through this. It’s supposed to go undefined.
I stopped trying.
I now believe that no one is related, and that everyone and everything is completely and absolutely different. Even though it seems like this would make things harder, hard to see people for who they are, hard to connect with them, and thusly harder to just relate to them, it’s made things easier for me. I look at every person as their own entity, I don’t base anything about them on anyone else. This belief has let me see people in their own light, for who they are, and connect with people that I would never even recognize before. I’ve brought this belief into every part of my life. I used to spend my life moving forward, but looking backwards. Anything that happened always seemed similar to something that had happened before. I was living in permanent deja vu. I think now, with this idea, this feeling, I can really enjoy life and see every event, every bit of it as something new and different.
I believe this can extend even farther.
I think that if I, as a person, really begin to believe that people aren’t related, that things don’t go together, that everything, regardless of how familiar, is something new to see, I can really begin to enjoy life. If I can believe that everything and everyone is just a big mess of more and more things, things to see, things to talk to, things to wave at, all sorts of things, I can really begin to take everything in. It’s impossible to think this way and live in a shell, under a rock, or hide in general. I have to put myself out there and take everything in, take advantage of every moment, and really see people. Things are exciting now. Everything has to be experienced, everything is of interest, and I can’t wait to see it all. This, I believe.
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