I Quit by Carol L. Stewart 10/26/06
I’ve quit many beautifully useless things in life – college, hanging out in bars, wanting my log cabin in the woods or my beach house on the Outer Banks, expecting family harmony and commitment. I am damned and its beginning to snow. I have mostly quit praying to God or at least expecting a response. I’ve quit believing nobody would intentionally try to screw me, that progessionals know what they are doing and that love is enought. Itemizing this list is also beautifully useless. The snow is falling harder. The beautiful know this and I am damned.
Also, there are things I haven’t quit. I haven’t quit hoping my family will search deeply within themselves and learn to look across a room and see something other than a mirror. I hven’t quit loving fog, rain, thunderstorms, baking my body in the sun, persptive in solitude, cemeteries and churches in silence. Oh, and yes, I have rethought my “only child” status and no longer feel I have to apologize for that condition of fate. Indeed, the older I get and the experiences I sense teach me of my privileged station that positions me against the thrashings of “balanced” families. They are damned. I haven’t quit believing in a fundamental good in people, frequently misplaced but present nonetheless and I still buy my clothes on sale in lesser-priced shops rather than exclusive designer boutiques. I feel good about this as I feel good about the sanctity of life and of my abilities that ground me constantly in the challenges of altered vistas. Damned, my sadness is perfect and it is always snowing harder now.
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