I Believe in Me
I stand restrained and captured, my hands held tightly, wrist-to-wrist, pushed against the glass door. Nothing is familiar, nothing is friendly. Who the Hell are you? Don’t touch me! For once I am actually stuck. There is nowhere to run. No one is here to save me. I am screaming and crying and no one is running to come rescue me. I have no idea where I am or how my life has gotten to this point. “This is Reilly Ann and she will help to get you adjusted, tell you what you need to do, explain to you about the levels and seminars …” Rules? Seminars? Levels? What the hell are you talking about? They are all speaking gibberish. I am so confused and so lost. Get me out of here!
After all the hysteria, they finally explained to me that my parents had decided to get me help and placed me in a rehabilitation program. The only way I would be leaving was to make it through all 6 levels and all 8 seminars. I would be under supervision 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and had no choice except to make it as easy or hard as I wanted. I did not believe in myself whatsoever, and therefore saw no way out of the trench I had dug myself into. I can’t do this! It had been a very long time since I had actually had to accomplish something in order to get me where I wanted: out. This is impossible. The negative thoughts were endless; they just kept coming, crippling me even more. I was scared, alone, and lost, but mostly scared. I need to get away. There was no escaping it this time. I had no choice, nowhere to hide, nowhere to run. This was my reality check, this was my second chance. Something had to change, immediately.
My life had spun so quickly out of control. I was so blind to everything that I was doing to deteriorate my life, mind, motivation, and world. I became so lost and caught up in the world around me that I forgot who I truly was. I hated everything, including myself. My new environment forced me to see things in a completely different perspective. All the negative thoughts, emotions, and feelings continued to occur and always will, but I have dealt with a lot of them and learned that I must believe in myself in order to move past them. Life can be enjoyable if I let it, it’s just how I learn to deal with the world around me. For now I am just happy being me, imperfections and all. I offer something to this world that no one else can, and I am choosing to embrace it. Through all that I have been through and all that I have learned, the most important lesson to keep with me is to believe in myself.
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