The Shyness in Me
One thing that sticks to mind over and over again is that only I can make myself truly happy.
This weekend I was at a wedding. I was talking to my friend when a cute guy asked her to dance. They always seem to notice my friends first before noticing me. They went dancing while I was sitting there waiting for something to happen that will amuse me, but nothing did. I got so upset at myself that I wanted to cry. I kept telling myself it’s my own fault for not trying hard enough to have a good time. I kept telling myself to get off of my butt and go dancing with them. The first concern that popped into my mind was whether I would be welcomed or not.
I keep wondering what other people will think of me. I don’t think about myself or having fun. A party girl would just do her thing without any worries at all. I can’t help but wonder whether something is wrong with me. Maybe it’s because I have a face that says “Stay Away” when I get nervous or it could be because I’m not that attractive. The fact that I’m smiling most of the time doesn’t seem to help. I keep asking myself “What are you afraid of?”.
It could be the fact that I grew up in a strict family. As a child I was never allowed to talk in adult conversation, or walk through their little conversation circle. I was told to chew with a closed mouth, and not speak out of turn. I was basically told to keep my mouth shut. I think I have a mindset where I still feel like a child in spirit, but in reality I’m actually 21. Maybe I’m a quiet person because it’s still connected to my childhood. Shyness could just be a part of my personality.
I sometimes criticize myself for being too shy, but am I really? I think only to a certain extent. I’ve noticed that I will speak my mind when it’s necessary. I’ve never been someone to make small talk. I’m mostly responding more to than starting any conversation.
Although I see my weak qualities, I’m starting to see my strong qualities as well. I believe it’s part of being a young person and finding myself. I believe it’s part of growing up. I’m starting to realize that being a quiet person is a part of me. I genuinely don’t want to change myself just to suit others. I want to stay me. I’m starting to see my confidence, my loyalty towards others, my friendly nature and my kindness. All these qualities and more, someone will notice along the way.
I know who I am. I’m a caring, loving and friendly person. Take it or leave it. I don’t have to rely on others to make myself happy, I can do it all on my own.
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