This I Believe

I believe in showing up. When I was eight years old my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and for 88 days straight I went with my mother to visit him in the hospital. I felt helpless and, even though I denied it to everyone around me, I knew my dad was going to die. Mom and I didn’t talk much during the 40-minute drives each way back and forth, and we didn’t have a lot to say as we sat and watched Dad sleep or updated him on our day. But we were there together. I felt special to be there even though I also felt very confused, wishing I had something to do, wishing I could make a difference.

As I faced many challenges in my own life and in relationships, from recovering from serious injuries, to illness, to betrayals and failures and all the usual stuff that makes a life- sometimes all I could think of to do is just show up. But doing so has never failed to be the right thing. As limited as it is, and it is only the first step, showing up is the most important of all. When I have wanted to hide – in my apartment as a young adult or in my own defenses now as an almost-middle-aged woman – whenever I show up I feel I am who I am in a most fundamental way. And, even more, at all the best times of my life – when I became a stepmother and married my soul mate, when I chose to love my infant son with all my heart even when everyone said he wouldn’t live more than a few months… all of these times I was most proud of myself just for showing up and facing the day. I raised my face to the sky and said “here I am.” I showed up. And I have never regretted it. First, show up. Then figure out what to do. This I Believe.