This I Believe

Tim - Mannford, Oklahoma
Entered on September 26, 2006
Age Group: 30 - 50

Addiction: powerful, consuming, driving. I hide it well. It affects everything. I have been late to work and events with friends and family, all because I had to score. I keep it hidden in my desk at work, my dirty little secret; I sneak some during the day, risking being caught. It adds to the thrill.

Sometimes I’m consumed by my addiction when driving; stumbling out of my Jeep afterward, reeking, my addiction affects everything. It’s so powerful. Its hold on me, threatens to destroy everything.

I know there are others like me. We can tell each other by our eyes, that hundred-yard stare, thinking of that next fix, that next taste, that next time. I’m sure you’ve met some of us. We have learned to live in society. We have learned to hide in the middle of the crowd. We are brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, friends and neighbors; we can be husbands and wives.

Our addiction has no group, no twelve step program, there is no one willing to admit this addiction and we live in shame and solitude, often pushing away those we love and care because we dare not be discovered.

Right now you’re wondering what holds me so, its cold grip wrapped around me, pulling me into its on little version of hell. It is the all power, all demanding, all consuming, peanut!

They say, the same ‘They’ from the vaunted association of unspecified affirmers who offer credibility to your assertions or claims without need for specificity or direct connectivity.

They, Them and You Know Who, how often have they offered support to your arguments? Supporting your assertions, adding authority and giving you that needed lift to add confidence to your words.

Well, ‘They’ say we often crave things which are body needs. There are honestly times I do crave peanuts. Some of my favorite candies, Snickers (packed with peanuts!) M&M’s with peanuts, PayDay, Reese’s, and Butterfinger. My favorite breakfast food, toast with peanut butter. My favorite snack, banana with peanut butter. My favorite Thai dish, peanut chicken!

Do you see the commonality in all this different things, well I guess they aren’t that different given they are all consumables, but do you see?! Peanuts!

I keep little bags of peanuts in my desk drawer for a snack. When I want something to munch on when on the road, I pick up some peanuts. Sometimes I get up on Saturday and head to a nearby flea market to get some hot, fresh, roasted peanuts. When I use to attend the Cub’s games what I looked forward to more then anything was that burly voice shouting, “Peanuts! Get your hot-roasted-peanuts!”

I greatly dislike this peanut compulsion I seem to possess. This is not something new, not something that has just come up in my life but something I have shamefully lived with all my life.

Damn you peanut! You know my passion for the almond and joy for the cashew and hazelnut but still you hold me in your sway and compel me to consume!