This I Believe

Patti - Indianapolis, Indiana
Entered on September 24, 2006

This I Believe……………

I believe it is time to clean up the English language. Modern culture is re-inventing the language as civilization moves through time at warp speed. It used to take decades for new words to be incorporated into the formal English dictionaries but now it takes literally months!! Watching our kids invent the language through spelling words as they sound and using abbreviations (BTW, prolly etc…) and Ebonics on computer messenger programs is inspiring! Does this mean that if we get to add new nouns like “emoticon, spam, ipod, roadrage, and jones and verbs like carjacking, blogging, networking, e-mailing, downloading, therapizing, and adjectives like cometised, postal, and crunk, that we get to revise some old words that we can’t stand? I propose that we re-name words that express themselves poorly with more current versions that reflect the advancement of civilization. Let me pause here for a moment to give credit to some words that really work at expressing what they mean. Vomit! Now that truly expresses the sudden, explosive hurling that it describes. Poop and pee. Just fine. That sounds like what happens.

To start with a tamer subject, food, let’s take the word yogurt. My mother could not eat yogurt because the word itself suggested that she would vomit. You have to urp the word instead of say it. How about crème culturelle or something sweet and nourishing like shuette. “Would you care for some shuette darling?” It just rolls off your tongue and describes the sweet and soft texture of the food.

Now to a stronger subject, sexual terms. Really where did all of these weird words come from? What were those Latin’s doing? Sex must have been all about sin to them because they gave their ugliest words to the subject. Let’s start with something basic like penis. What a dumb word for the “happy dagger,” the rod of pleasure and life. What word would really describe it satisfactorily? How about the talis, schfontz, dingle or the thromb? If it were a dingle, a young male would have a dingleberry. An adult male would have a dingleheister.

And what about that awful word vagina? What could you call the cavity of love’s pleasure and life’s delivery? How about calyx, crème cache or shimmer? Or something artful and joyful like the ebuliet, eclate, elate, fantasm chasm? Or is it the pubis eroticus? I would take muff over vagina.

The word I hate the most and has really worn out its welcome is masturbation!! It carries with it all of the negative archaic damnation of past belief systems. Also, I think men’s masturbation should have its own word, completely different from women’s. How about diddle for the men? For those who diddle about or those who diddle or get diddled or they may be diddleheisters. Women should use sparkleate, jazzelate, clitorize or obcliterate. Sounds like good innocent fun. Just releasing some pent up energy.

What about that weird word cunnilingus. Disgusting! Sounds like a very bad fungal disease. How about cushing? Pearl-diving? Lingualitate? Or something teasing and exciting like inclitorate, encliterate, zanify, clititize or smuffing? There’s got to be something better! I’m sure Dr. Rice would appreciate it if we used something else.

Along those same lines, fallacio!! Really! Sounds like a major faux paus during a public performance. Something false, a failure. Something fallacious. What is it really? For a women it is another chance to suck, to breastfeed, to give pleasure to a man who is moaning and groaning. It’s foreplay. A good word would be schmucking for the Yiddish, dinglenukking, snuckleing, schlongging or kafluggleing for the rest of us. Then we could kafluggle the dingleheister!

One English word I really like is rant. I so appreciate your patience in hearing out my ranting about the language and I invite you to have a little rant of your own. And then let’s e-mail it all to the dictionary people and give the gift of good words to future generations to come.