I believe that the heart and soul crave nurturing. Beginning in the womb, our bodies are nurtured by the mother, and as we grow it’s the mother who provides comfort and love. A mother is the person to talk to for wisdom or guidance. She’s there on prom night touching up your makeup, and on graduation watching you turn your tassel. When you move into a college dorm, your mom is there, unpacking cute bed sheets that she picked out at Target. She smiles as she hangs up your clothes, but then calls crying 30 minutes after she left. A mother is the first person to trust, respect, and admire.
I believe that my soul has a void and my heart craves a mother. When I was younger my mother was there and I admired her. She seemed adventurous, soulful and full of life. She tried to encode me to be the same; be strong, be confident, be you. It wasn’t until later that I realized she was teaching me to be strong because she would leave me. I slowly became independent, catching the bus to school, coming home alone to make Top Ramen for dinner. But she would still come home at night and we would stay up in bed, reading and watching our favorite movies. When I was completely alone in high school I felt abandoned, and all the confidence she taught me disappeared with her.
I stumbled through my high school years envious of my friends who had mother-daughter relationships. I just started college, with plain sheets and I completely forgot all my hangers. I feel like a bad person for wanting those patterned sheets that my friends’ moms bought them. I regret every moment of my non-existent mother-daughter relationship. I question if I myself am cut out for motherhood, and if I’ll be able to give motherly advice when my time comes.
I believe I am incomplete without this relationship. So, I fill the void with constants; little bits that of love that I believe in. I believe that music saved my life and that there is always time for impromptu dance parties. I believe that glitter makes everyone sparkle, clutter provides me comfort and that you can never have too many epiphanies. I believe that I will overcome my genetic issues. I believe that seeing the sun make the snow sparkle means that you were lucky enough to get first tracks I believe in good books and inspiration. I believe that I will change the world by freezing time. I believe that sushi is always satisfying, laughter heals and the sound of skateboarding makes me smile. I believe that one day my mother I and will forgive each other and there will be closure to whatever rift we are in. I believe that eventually I will love myself and while I wait for my mother, these things will be my nourishment.
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