My whole world shattered when our son Jim was diagnosed with cancer. He was 36 years old, had only been out of college for a short time, did not have a sweetheart. This wasn’t fair! First he cried. My husband, Joe was in shock, and I had to be strong for Jim. We had been to the best hospital in the world in Boston that was recomended by a physician. We were told that Jim had a tumor in his lung,but after doing some exploratory surgery we were told he had a “hot spot” on his esophagus too and they closed him up. We were devastated and Jim was in shock or disbelief. It was stage four which was not good. The Drs. had to confer to decide what they would advise as a course of treatment, if anything. It was really all up to Jim but he wanted some opinions from family members. He was unbelievably focused. He decided on chemo, including some experiental drugs, and radiation. This is when my strong faith in God, especially the after life, was questioned. Jim was doing fine during the course of horrendous chemo and radiation. His childhood faith arose as if out of the ashes.He Begain to read the Bible, pray, and listened to meditation tapes. I kept saying to myself, not why, but is there a literal heaven? I had never questioned this before so I even surprised myself and was ashamed. The minister from the hospice spoke to me and friends that I shared this with prayed for me for God to show me. After a battle with this demon cancer, Jim died a year and a half later. The only contact I had with my son was in a dream. He was standing on a bridge and spoke to me to let him go even though he knew how difficult it would be. I told him I would and he walked across. I still don’t know for sure what death is like and I’m sure many others don’t either. I am still searching and learning alot about spirituality. We miss our precious son, especially on Sundays when he used to come over for dinner. He was a writer and I hope he can see this from the otherside. Love you Jim.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.