This I Believe

Roy - San Diego, California
Entered on August 1, 2006
Age Group: 30 - 50

I believe I will fail. I can only see it coming ahead of me, and sometimes I just don’t think I can do anything about it. Some days, I feel like I’m on top of the world. It isn’t so, but I believe it. Why? Because I can; because if I don’t I won’t know exactly what it is that I’m supposed to be here for. I chose this way of life. It didn’t choose me; actually a thousand other things were calling me. I thought I knew better. I’m better than the others. The others just wanted to do something that they could put their hands on and say I can fix that. I’m better than that. I want to put my hands on someone and say I can’t fix that but you know what, no one else can either! Does that make you feel any better? No! You want to be better. Why can’t I offer you that? Well, let me tell you mister, a lot smarter folk than you have tried and haven’t figured it out.

I believe I will fail.

Failure, why is that even an option. Why can’t it just be success, or almost; otherwise people won’t try. How does that statement go…..oh yeah, whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. This aint gonna kill me but I don’t know about making me stronger. This is a new feeling, this feeling that I really don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t seem to get to the point where I do. Everyone else around me is, but why is it so hard for me?

I’ve only grown to believe that the only person’s problem that matters is not yours. What a way to live. You can’t ever express what it is that you’re feeling. This is the first time that I’ve gotten this all out. I hate what I do! I really hate what I do. The only saving grace for me is that the patients are truly wonderful. Their life, struggle, and heart warms mine. Yes they are sick; yes they will not get better. But who am I to discourage their discourse on how sick they are. Who am I to tell them anything? I don’t have anything to offer them. So complain! Complain, complain, complain. What I can offer you is a sounding board. An ear that will hear you and say you are not just a complainer. You are just looking for attention. Why shouldn’t you, you’re sick and no one seems to be able to make you better; least of all me. So here are my ears, and here is my shoulder. For the moment, I can feel you. I can sense what you are really about.

I believe, that……maybe I won’t fail so bad.