This I Believe

randy - St. Michael, Minnesota
Entered on June 9, 2006

I believe I’m a lover. I believe I am one of the best lovers in the world. I love so deep I laugh until I cry. Sometimes, I love so deep I cry until I laugh. I love so deep I cry until I can not cry anymore. I love so deep I laugh until I can not laugh anymore, In fact, I love so deep that I laugh about what I am crying about, and then I cry about what I am laughing about.

I believe I’m a survivor. I believe my wife would not have wanted me to find her body hanging in the bathroom of a hotel room. I believe she was convinced she was doing the right thing for me, her husband, and for her three surviving children. I believe she would not have committed suicide if Jacob wouldn’t have died. I believe she thought we could easily live without her.

I believe it’s sometimes harder to live than to die. I believe sometimes one wants to feel pain. I believe some things one never recovers from. I believe Leslie would be alive today if she would not have been sexually molested when she was a child. Sometimes I even believe she might still be alive if our love wasn’t so strong.

I believe I’ll never be touched as deeply as she touched me. I believe I loved her the moment I saw her. I believe she felt unworthy. I believe she felt shame. I believe I will not be a father again.

I believe I’m a searcher. I believe I’ve always been one. I believe I think too much, and possible too deep. I believe my wife was depressed. I believe I’m depressed. I believe I’m condemned to live, and I believe I’ll live.

I believe I will not love again, but I believe I’m a lover. I still believe one of the best lovers in the world. Sometimes, I laugh so deep I cry. And, others, I cry so deep I laugh.

This I believe