This I Believe

Karissa - Valley Center, California
Entered on June 7, 2006
Age Group: Under 18

This I Believe

Since this assignment happens to be late and I have already heard everyone else’s “This I Believe,” it was difficult thinking of one on my own because I kept hearing other people’s ideas in my head. Another reason might have been that I had so many beliefs that I couldn’t pick one that could have encompassed all of my them. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that maybe I was supposed to turn this assignment in late. I say this because Wednesday night i had a sudden burst of inspiration. Wait no, let me take that back. The inspiration basically slapped me in the face. It all started with the dance banquet that I basically organized entirely on my own Wednesday evening. Mrs. Palmquist said she would allow us to have one but that all she was going to do was show up and give her speech. It was the first dance banquet that the dance program was ever going to have so everyone agreed to having a banquet, but no one did anything about it so I decided to take control. It consisted of organizing ticket sales, getting the catering done, decorating, making the videos and awards and even having to clean up after 175 people. It was a lot of work but all in all it was a success.

After the night, parents and students kept telling me how wonderful it was for me to do this for everyone and how proud they were of all my accomplishments that Mrs. P had announced during the banquet. I got a bunch of hugs and handshakes from parents that I didn’t even know but I smiled anyway pretending that I did. When it finally came to an end i sat in the car with my parents and I almost expected them to say “Congratulations on your awards,” or “Good job, I’m proud of you.” But i didn’t. See, every year they announce all the students who receive a GPA of 4.0 and above along with their GPA in chronological order from lowest to highest. I’m usually on the list and if anything my name is called towards the end of the list meaning it was a pretty high GPA. But this year it wasn’t. It wasn’t a surprise to me because I already knew what my GPA was. Of coarse I was upset with myself but I’ve taught myself how to move on so I did. But back in the car with my parents, it was a whole different story. I didn’t get the, “Congratulations on your awards,” or “Good job, I’m proud of you,” that I expected. It was obvious my dad noticed that my name was not called during the listing of GPA’s and so he began his typical lecture of how I work hard but not enough, and how he doesn’t believe that I will be successful in college. My reply was, “Thanks dad. I’m glad to know that your proud of me.” I have to admit, it might not have been the right way to say it to my dad knowing it would make him mad but I did anyway being completely aware that I was going to be yelled at in about 2 seconds. So I sat there with my elbow resting on the door, my chin resting on my hand, and my face turned towards the window as it usually is when this happens. The position of my body might have been the same as the other times this has happened but my feelings were different. I began to cry. Sitting in the back seat, as tears began to drip down my face I just kept repeating to myself, “Don’t let them see you cry, don’t let them see you cry or he’ll think you’re weak.” So i just kept wiping my face and sniffled as quiet as possible so they wouldn’t hear me. To keep a long story short, he just kept yelling at me about how condescending I was and how disrespectful I always am to both of them. I knew deep down I wasn’t but I also felt as though I was a big failure to my parents.

And that’s wear the tears came from. It’s the worst feeling knowing that you do everything to try to make your parents proud of you and in return they tell you that whatever it was that you did wasn’t good enough. I just got used to the feeling. But this time, it was different. I had worked so hard on that banquet and I was proud of myself. I just really wanted my parents to be proud of me. At the end of my dad’s lecture, he asked me if I has anything to say for myself. And I said, “No,” like I usually do. But then he asked me again. And I said no again. But then he asked me again. And suddenly I just exploded. I started screaming and telling them exactly how I felt and how I have been feeling for the past few year. I told them that they always think they know what I’m thinking but they don’t. They had no idea. I told them how difficult it was for me to move three times this school year and how that had an affect on my academics. They didn’t understand that coming home at 11 o’clock 3 times a week from practices is difficult while trying to get all your homework done. I told them about how I fall asleep crying because I feel like I make so many mistakes and that I am nothing close to the perfect child they want me to be. My mom started crying and my dad was speechless. We got home and I went straight to my room and layed on my floor with a pillow and started crying as much as I wanted because I knew they couldn’t hear me anymore. Then my mom walked into my room and sat on the floor next to me. She was crying too. She apologized for my dad and said he regrets everything that he said to me and has been saying to me for as long as he could remember. She also said that she was sorry for never asking me how I felt and that she wants me to just be myself and not push myself too hard just to please them. And then she said that she was proud of me, and that she has always been proud of me. So proud that that was the reason why they always expected more from me. There was plenty more said and done but I was glad that we had come to an understanding. Who knows if it will happen again, but what i realized was that this would not have ended if I had not told my parents how I felt. I never did because I was afraid of telling them how I felt and for making the feel bad for making me feel that way. But I believe that being open with you parents is key to a healthy relationship for a family. I also believe that your goals should for yourself, not anyone else. Not even your parents.