I believe in a lot of things. I believe that the sky is blue. I believe that grass, (when you actually take care of it) is green.
The greatest belief that I hold near and dear to my heart is the power of Paris Hilton’s vagina. I do not respect Paris Hilton. I do not idolize her. I do realize that our Western culture of excess, greed, and self-loathing is deeply and firmly rooted in one woman’s cubic area.
Every day we suck in, nip and tuck away, and look in the mirror and hate what we see, all for a skanky socialite’s clitoral stimulation. You see, Paris is the girl we wanted to befriend at sleepaway camp, the girl you became infatuated with in middle school, the girl whose flat as a board body and incredibly revealing clothes remind men of someone who is not a woman, but a little girl waiting for a sexual tryst. Although she oozes sex, she speaks as well as my 9 year old neice; nasal inflection, tiny and tinny with small dips in sentences like “That’s hott”.
She is anti-humanity, anti-woman, but most of all she posesses zero redeeming qualities, yet the whole world seems to be obsessed with her.
And I am a hypocrite. I frown when I get on my bathroom scale, as a child I wished I had long blonde locks, and although she is vapid and about as interesting as my dog’s fecal matter, I am transfixed, and like a good car accident, I cannot for the life of me look away from Miss. Hilton’s large bite into the demise of western culture.
We are all going to hell in a handbasket, because we’re not watching the road or the ocean rather. We’re looking at the 12 year olds dressing like strippers but having no idea what sex actually is. We’re staring at the women on shows like ‘Dr. 90210′ butchering their beautiful bodies by adding elements like silicon implants which make them sick.
I believe in the power of Paris Hilton’s vagina, because inside that cavernous hole is the one thing that keeps us coming back to the ‘E’ Entertainment channel’s 100 sexiest stars countdown……..self-deprecation. We will never find our names on that glorious list of delusion, but because we are human, because many people find waifish bores ‘sexy’ we will keep dieting, keep cutting, and keep hating ourselves and anyone else who happens to be different.
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