I professed to teach and empower and this by individualization, knowing who you are and being in control. Yet, a slight revolution lay ahead.
I would awake as the night shifted to daylight with a drive to “change those kiddos for the best” and I would model the behavior. I taught…got married…continued to teach …nothing to it. Until I got pregnant. The first sign of this transition was when I would no longer express myself through caricature facial features nor intonations to cater the emotions of every word that sparked out of me. Instead I lowered my voice avoiding any passionate lectures in hopes that the little three-month-old Martian like creature I saw on the screen would not feel altered by any means and be as comfy and possible. Little by little I morphed unbeknownst to me how dramatic. And then my little cherub was born. I could then care less about what I once professed. He was in control of my life, and work became the enemy. I cried each morning I left the pouting, flawless face of my baby. I prayed for him and kissed his puffy cheeks as he closed his eyes into crescent waves. How emotionally marooned was I, daily desperately yearning to go home once the school bell rang. I was no longer confident. Work might be 35 minutes away and a mountain to cross, yet that glorious baby had me at the palm of his hands. My thoughts were no longer about me; they were for him. My confidence and stamina were quenched by the tender yawns, blinks, and a-goos I heard in the evenings. I need to be home with my baby. I couldn’t function nor bear the thought that I was away from the oasis in my desert. I would come home and spend every second with him, cater to him at nights even at the cost of me falling asleep on the road. Thank God no one got hurt. Three weeks of work to go and then I’ll have the summer with him. This I lived- and somewhat continue to live -for two months. With time, I realized that empowering others while I felt helpless at work was not the best remedy. Yes, right know I’m an emotional smutch, but I believe I’m learning that what I professed before was missing the most essential ingredient, what I was going through -the tugs and pulls of love. I am in love-a love that spews vibrant tears at the mention of my darling boy. I get it now. What I professed was void of what makes a heart beat. It is unconditional love that gives unnatural power. Hence this coming school year I will teach my kids about empowerment, justice, and everything else that is morally correct but it will be founded on love, love for another human being, God, and yourself. Today this I believe. ….love is the strongest force that can change anything! It took a three month old baby who stares at his hands for hours to teach me: all good things are and must be founded in love.
Happy Mother’s Day to me.
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