Each day brings more uncertainty to the world, leaving the fabric that holds things together hanging on by bare threads. Humanity is being plagued with global travesties, including depletion of the ozone layer, widespread military conflict, and the dreadful lip-synching performances of Ashley Simpson. With so much uncertainty floating around, what is secure anymore? There are few constants in life, but there is one that I’m sure of. And that’s the fuzzy, drooling good nature of a dog. So, that’s why I believe that everyone should have a puppy.
My dog, despite thinking that her tail is hell-bent on sneaking up on her, is incredibly intuitive. Glass doors pose a serious health risk, but, as far as emotion goes, the dog picks up on mood quicker than any human I’ve ever met could do. She knows when it’s time to play, when it’s time to sleep, and when it’s time to hide; like when she has devoured a previously prized possession or deposited a stain on the carpet. However, it seems that, no matter what the offense, the punishment generally fizzles out when finally presented. Despite how smart people consider themselves to be, most are reduced to the intellectual level of moths when they see the excitable wag of a puppy’s tail, and those that aren’t are probably thinly veiling the urge.
I simply can’t help talking like a complete moron in the presence of dogs because I feel that gibberish soothes them, or maybe it just soothes me. It’s the same effect that human babies have on formerly rational adults. In fact, the biggest difference I see between babies and puppies is that the later can be tied up to the porch without fear of imprisonment. That and babies don’t eat dog food, at least not until they have teeth.
Puppies, while being completely rambunctious themselves, produce a calming effect on me and help encourage peaceful thoughts. So why not use them in combat? Instead of a gun, each soldier gets a basket of furry little canine friends. I couldn’t chuck a grenade at someone carrying around a liter of dachshunds. If nothing else, the soldiers would never get around to actually fighting because they’d be too busy cleaning up after their charges.
There is nothing judgmental or presumptuous about the listless, dough eyes that rest behind a dog’s snout, which is a great comfort in a world of constant expectation. All a dog expects is acknowledgement, and a little bit of food and water. I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but I would much rather be in the presence of a little cocker spaniel puppy than any of the world’s greatest leaders. At least the dog won’t insist upon telling me what I should do. World peace seems unlikely, so I propose an alternative: world distraction. And as the frontline agents of occupation I elect the fuzziest little carpet-wetting candidates around. Learn to love a dog and the sentiment will be returned unconditionally.
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